Every mother is convinced her child is exceptional. The difference between me and other mothers, however, is that I have supporting data to back it up. My son has demonstrated extraordinary ability in multiple areas of specialty, proving himself a viable candidate for the following careers:
Piano Virtuoso: Performs original compositions on the piano with fingers, feet and even knees, while slamming the keyboard shut intermittently in a stunning display of percussive experimentalism.
Interior Design: Effortlessly reconfigures furniture, has mastered the art of redecoration. Specialty: redistribution of lighting and accent pieces.
Personal Fitness Trainer: Repeat his signature sequence for approximately 8 hours daily to achieve optimum results:
- run while screaming
- zigzag around obstacles left haphazardly on the floor
- hop on one foot (swear, remove lego embedded in sole of foot)
- squat (pick up Duplo lego)
- dive (catch family heirloom before it hits the floor and shatters)
- collapse briefly
Office Manager: Proficient with all operating systems, Mac and PC computers, as well as office equipment such as printers, copiers, and fax machines.
EMT: Unparalleled first-aid skills, clearly demonstrated by facility in the application of adhesive bandages to dog fur in such a way that they remain fixed in place even under water.
Plumber: Sources blockages with uncanny accuracy. Utilizes cutting-edge, creative methods of testing plumbing functionality, such as flushing rubber duckies down toilets and installing children’s socks in bath drains.
Magician: Possesses the uncanny ability to open doors soundlessly, and make entire meals vanish under a dinner table. Able to move animals to inaccessible areas without touching them. The candidate himself has been known to disappear in the blink of an eye.
Attorney: Tenacious, seasoned negotiator. Presents clear, compelling arguments accompanied by withering stink-eye. Unwilling to settle unless/until his terms have been met.
Culinary Quality Control: Extremely detail-oriented. Identifies inconsistencies in meal prep and presentation, ingredients, temperature and texture – both at home and in the field.
Poissonier: Incorporates hand-picked, freshly-sourced (betta) fish into a well-balanced diet…
IT Specialist: Able to unlock all devices ranging from the hand-held to tablets, desk and laptop computers.
Stunt Double: Executes complex, dangerous maneuvers without sustaining significant injury. Can escape any enclosure or restraint, even fully coated in sunblock or even soap. Unafraid of heights.