Well. Here we are. Still living in the same body. I can’t say I thought I would be blogging this week – I figured that by now I would be kissing your toes and drinking in your smell (well, realistically, that you’d be expelling bodily fluids onto me and keeping up all night). But just when I think I know what to expect, parenting always seems to knock me on my
ass bum. (Literally. I spend most of my time on my ass bum right now.)
It struck me in one of my less hysterical moments over the last few days that you are not even born yet – you are NEGATIVE days old – and yet, you have taught me so much. You are incredibly wise, baby. I feel like I’m incubating Yoda.
I have made no secret of the fact that this pregnancy was a surprise. I know a lot of people are or would be absolutely thrilled with an unexpected pregnancy, but I was not. I know I’ve been over and over this with you these past few months – I don’t want you ever to think you’re unwanted – but if I’m being honest, when I got that positive pregnancy test, I was scared. I felt like I was barely keeping my head above water with one small child – now add another to the mix? I couldn’t imagine how I would manage.
I know that this pregnancy is just a blip on the radar of your life and our time together, but I’ve gotten a little burst of energy lately with the realization that we’ve almost done it! Phase one (of 1,000,000, I know) complete. You have helped me realize that I can do hard things, and I can do them fairly well. My hips are sore, I’m barely sleeping, and my bladder is the size of a shot glass, but somehow we’re all clean, fed, and happy today. Bam. We’re managing.
The discovery of your presence inside me has forced me to relinquish control. Ride the wave. Expect the unexpected. Yes, these are lessons I’ve become well acquainted with as the mom to your sister. But you have solidified the fact that losing control doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Letting life take you for a little ride, letting go of the wheel and taking your feet off the pedals, can be scary. But it can be beautiful. There is something really comforting and even freeing about having your world turned upside-down and coming out the other side. Honestly, thank you for that.
The most important revelation I have had over the past nine months is that fact that our family was never complete without you. Since April, I’ve been imagining us as a family of four. Two little ones playing together, fighting together. Two heads of hair to tame in the morning. Two sets of taste buds to please. I picture you everywhere in this house. Now that you’re almost here, your presence is almost ghost-like. I’m into it. I am totally sold on you. I can’t wait to meet you. So hurry up and get here, wise one! I’m sure I have much more to learn from you. (Seriously, I want you to be ready, but an ETA of NOW would be optimal.)
With Love, Thanks, and Anticipation,