Maybe once we’ve weaned…

Maybe once we’ve weaned I’ll start exercising again.  Let’s just say it’s been a while.  I’ve never been diligent about exercise—I’ll try a few months at a gym, or a new class of some sort, but get bored after a short amount of time and never really pick anything back up again.  When we were in the middle of our IVF cycle, and my ovaries were each the size of oranges and it hurt to just move, I remember thinking that I would never take that ability to move for granted again; as soon as possible, I would start exercising again, simply because I could.  Well, I had my son almost exactly two years ago now, and I’ve exercised exactly zero times.  Just before we started our IVF cycle, I was starting to get into bikram yoga. I’d love to take that up again but I’m worried that nursing plus a hot, humid workout would cause serious dehydration, so I’ve been waiting. Maybe once we’ve weaned.

Maybe once we’ve weaned I’ll wear a proper bra again.  Since having Lenny, my boobs have shrunk considerably and I fear they’re still not done changing. Therefore, I haven’t bought any bras yet. So what do I wear, you ask, since I got rid of all of my old, dingy, broken-underwire bras when I got pregnant and could no longer wear them anymore?  The one bra I kept, some sort of specialty bra that converts a bunch of different ways and has these odd-shaped vertical cups for a plunging neckline. This is what I wear under everything, and not one thing has a plunging neckline. I hate the outline it makes under certain clothes, but at least it’s close to the right size–unlike the nursing bras that I continued to wear long after I shrunk too much for them to be supportive or flattering under clothes. Someday I will own bras that fit. Maybe once we’ve weaned.

Maybe once we’ve weaned I’ll be able to sleep in again (at least once?).  I’ve taken wake-up duty pretty much every morning of Lenny’s life so that he can nurse first thing. Maybe he doesn’t “need” it anymore, and can be distracted by playing downstairs with dad while mom sleeps in. Maybe it’s not so much about getting more sleep, but about getting out of bed when I want to and not when someone else wants me to. Maybe once we’ve weaned.

Maybe once we’ve weaned I won’t feel so touched out all the time. Maybe once we’ve weaned I’ll understand what it means to “have my body back.”  Maybe once we’ve weaned my husband and I can go away alone for a weekend and I won’t feel like I have to pump. Maybe once we’ve weaned I will miss this time terribly. Maybe.

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