My face above the water…

If you’ve ever suffered from the common cold of the behavioral health world, you may understand the overwhelming sadness produced by this mood disorder. For example, the only times I believed my marriage would end, were the times I struggled with depression. Feelings of worthlessness, lethargy, or irritability as a single person, imagine these feelings in the company of loved ones.  I have not experienced these feelings as deeply as I did in my youth, but I definitely struggle through the winter months.

My face above the water

My feet can’t touch the ground, and it feels like

I can see the sands on the horizon every time (every time)

You are not around

Every year, it feels a little less challenging to manage the colder  months. If I have a tough day at work, driving home in darkness makes it more difficult. The cold can be unbearable and curling under the blanket for the day is very alluring. Rather than this indulgence, I curl up on the kitchen chair watching my energetic kids playing in the yard whether its fifty degrees or fifteen.

I’m slowly drifting away (drifting away)

Wave after wave

Wave after wave

I’m slowly drifting (drifting away)

And it feel like I’m drowning

Pulling against the stream

Pulling against the stream

My wife often reminds me to reconnect when I have pulled too far away from the family. It’s never a pretty conversation and my feelings of guilt and embarrassment are a struggle. Who wants to be the person bringing down the whole family. More than once though, it has allowed me to put her needs and the needs of our family first. I am reminded to take care of myself in all the ways that worked when my depression spiraled out of control (so many years ago).

I wish I could make it easy

Easy to love me

Love me

But still I reach, to find a way

I’m stuck here in between

I’m looking for the right words to say (to say)

I heard this song “Waves” on the radio while I was dancing with the kids in the kitchen. It was the perfect song to express how living with the winter blues. I do feel like I’m drifting, I no longer feel like I’m drowning though. I’m grateful to have a family to pull me out of these moments and give me space when I need to be stuck in between. To my wife, I wish I could make it easy to love me (during these moments). Either way though, I still reach.

 If you experience even a little depression (during the winter months or as a regular part of your life,) hang in there and get as much support as you can!!!

7 thoughts on “My face above the water…

  1. This is a great post. Thanks for opening yourself up to so many of us who share your struggles as our own.
    Kudos for you for reaching for your lifelines.

  2. This is really beautiful and I can fully relate to what you’re saying – depression, sadness, winter blues…whatever you call it can feel debilitating.

  3. Never forget–or always know–that you are in such good company, Natacha. I hope you’re getting all possible support, and I know you’re getting it from your amazing family. Love ya!

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