Confession: I Sleep in My Own Room

That’s me on the right, holding a sign at our recent End the Mommy Wars photo shoot.

Wow. OK. I really just put that out there. It’s true. My husband and I don’t sleep in the same room.

We’ve been married for almost 6 years now but just about a year ago decided that it would be best for us to sleep apart. My hubz snores, really loudly. He tried everything over the past several years to change that, but nothing worked (including looking into surgery). The way a typical night went was like this:

Go to bed. Get woken up by his snoring, shake him and ask him to roll over. Fall back asleep. Get woken up again. Wake him up and tell him he’s snoring. And on and on.

Neither of us slept well. He hated that I woke him up to get him to stop snoring and I hated that I was getting woken up multiple times a night. Add into this scenario the fact that we also have a young child to care for and we were both just totally frustrated and tired. I ended up sleeping in the guest room mostly out of anger. I remember being so mad because I always pictured sleeping in the same bed as my husband and I felt like it was a failure for our marriage to have our own rooms. I also wondered (and still do) what we’ll tell our daughter about why mommy and daddy sleep in separate rooms but her friends parents sleep together.

To be totally honest, I was mad about this for a while. I clung tightly to the resentment I felt about things not working out the way I had imagined. And I held that resentment for a LONG time.

Then one day I realized I was past the anger. You know why? Because we BOTH sleep so much better and (here it comes) I LIKE having my own bed! YES! I love having my own bed, all to myself.

And while I thought that sleeping in different rooms would somehow worsen our marriage, I’m happy to report the opposite has been true. Sleeping in different rooms has made our marriage better – because we are both more rested and aren’t mad that the other person keeps waking us up.

And apparently although I felt alone in this, I’m not. My pal Dena told me about a new study that just came out showing 30-40% of couples sleep separately. I’m at a point in my life where I really feel like people should just do what’s best for them. Who cares if I don’t sleep in the same room as my husband? It doesn’t mean my marriage is messed up or that there’s an underlying problem. What it does mean, for us, is that we are both happier.

Can I tell you something super sweet? Each night, seriously every night, my husband tucks me in, snuggles with me and kisses me goodnight. Sometimes he even writes me a cute note on the whiteboard we having hanging on the wall near my bed. Then I drift off to sleep knowing that the two people I love most in the world (my husband and daughter) are each in their own beds, getting a great night sleep.

19 thoughts on “Confession: I Sleep in My Own Room

  1. I love this post. When we lived in our old house we had a guest room and the most comfortable twin bed ever. Whenever my husband’s snoring would keep me up, I would retreat to that little room. I don’t know why I didn’t just make it MY room and skip the whole “sneak into it” in the middle of the night. Probably because my husband gave me such a hard time about not being in bed with him. But boy do I wish I had a space like that now!

    1. Thanks Kriste! I use to do that too, sneak into the guest room once woken up but then I was like, what the heck am I doing? I’ll sleep so much better if I just commit!

  2. This is a great post, Michelle! And I feel ya, Sister! My hubby and I just STARTED sleeping together again after almost 4 years ~ and like you, I felt bad about this at first and would try to hide it, thinking it said something about our marriage. But then, like you, realized “who gives a crap what others think, this WORKS for us right now!” There was a blissful time (I still think of it fondly!) when I decided I was DONE co-sleeping with my children and hubby would sleep with the baby. I had my own room for 5 months of heaven!

    Now we are sleeping back together as baby is sleeping in his own bed (in our room) almost through the night and it’s really nice, but the nights he sleeps in the guest bed when he has to be up early and doesn’t want to wake us ~ well that’s still nice too!

    And as an aside, we’re friends with a couple who has the hottest, most frequent sex of anyone I know and THEY sleep in separate beds each night and have for years. I think we’re afraid to admit we sleep in different beds because others will think we’re not having sex….and that is just such a silly thing to believe! Sex can happen anywhere. πŸ˜‰

  3. I slept in the babies’ room for the first 2 years not because I wanted to sleep with my babies, but because initially, I was nursing and quickly realized that I slept SO MUCH BETTER in their room than our master bedroom. Hubby is a super loud snorer and a cover hogger. I am a super light sleeper. The combination of these two things don’t go together well.

    I’m back in my room now that the kids are close to 3 because it was actually creating some poor sleep associations for them (they’d wake up and if I wasn’t in there, they’d freak out). Since our master bedroom and nursery are in a separate section of the house as our other bedrooms, even though we have extra rooms, I (or the kids) can’t move into another room without moving EVERYTHING to the other side of the house. Ever since I moved back to the MBR with hubby, my sleep has been like sh*t again. So I TOTALLY get what you’re talking about!

    1. I didn’t mention it in my post but like you I am a very light sleeper! Totally agree – the combo of a loud snorer and a light sleeper doesn’t make for good sleep!

  4. We have been going through the same thing this week! Our mattress is shot and really hurting my back. So I am boycotting our bed until our new one arrives. I totally miss hubby, but I have to admit I LOVE having a bed ALL to myself for the first time in eight years πŸ™‚

  5. We don’t have a third bedroom but my husband likes to fall asleep on the couch in the living room. Then he’ll come to bed in the middle of the night. I used to be annoyed by this until I realized it meant I could read as long as I wanted to and do my pilates stretches all over the bed. Now I get annoyed when he wants to come to bed the same time as me, unless we’re fooling around of course.

    1. I used to feel the same way–suuuuper annoyed when my hubby would fall asleep on the couch until the wee hours of the morning…and then I got a Kindle, and I can read as long as I like and not have to worry about keeping him up! And, yes, sometimes it’s annoying when he does come to bed at the same time and all I want to do is read! πŸ™‚

    2. Ha! My husband also likes to fall asleep on the couch sometimes. Now when he goes to bed after me I don’t even know it because I’m happily sleeping in a different room πŸ™‚

Share Some Comment Love

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s