No Sleep Til… Well, EVER, Apparently.

It’s been awhile since we’ve talked about Audrey and her personal War on Sleep, so let’s get up to date, shall we?

Spoiler alert: She’s winning the war.

I'll just hide in here until she forgets it's bedtime.
I’ll just hide in here until she forgets it’s bedtime.

This kid, you guys. She is two years old and the worst sleeper pretty much ever to exist in human life. I keep (foolishly) thinking it’s got to get better and you know what? NOPE.

I don’t know what the “average” normal sleep patterns are for a two year old and guess what? I don’t care, because I’m pretty sure no matter what they are, Audrey will laugh maniacally about it. Then cry, “No rock, Mommy! LIGHT ON!”

She’s wily, too. She will go on stretches where she goes to bed easily and at a reasonable time… and stay asleep. Like, ALL NIGHT LONG. UNTIL THE MORNING LIGHT. We’ll get two or even three weeks of this with only one or two nights of wakeups per week and we’ll think (stupidly), “Ohhhhh yes. This child we have prayed for.”

Then it’s back to waking up every night at least once and sometimes three times. She’s thirsty. She’s hungry. She wants a book. She’s hot. She’s cold. She’s Katy Perry. And she only ever wants Moooooooommmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Yes, let's read this book. On the floor. Only the floor.
Only you can read me this book, Mommy.

Her latest trick? Completely refusing her crib. Like full out this-crib-is-bullshit type of behavior. She’ll point at her rug and cry, “Floor? Floor, Mommy? PLEASE, FLOOR?!”

Is she serious with this?
Is she serious with this?

She wants to sleep on the floor. And not JUST the floor, but she also wants me to sleep on the floor. Newsflash: I’m old and that shit hurts.

I know what you’re thinking and y’all are right. I’m doing it all wrong. I’m not even being sarcastic. I know I am. I do not even care at this point.  I will find a real live unicorn and let her sleep on that while it flies around the Kingdom of Enchancia if it will help.

And I realize these latest antics suggest that she’s ready for a big girl bed. Well, I am not. It’s not as easy as throwing down a mattress and gating off her room. This is Audrey we’re talking about. Master of Audreying Around. She likes to sit inside the fireplace. Much Audrey-proofing would have to occur and we’re trying to sell our house. I can’t very well empty out her room right now. That doesn’t really give off a buy my house vibe so much as a crazy toddler and desperate parents live here one.

Audrey: I think I have her convinced. Olivia: Ha! Oh, Mom. So dumb.
Audrey: I think I have her convinced. Olivia: Ha! Oh, Mom. So dumb.

So here we are. The exhausted leading the even more exhausted. If anyone has any “it really does get better” stories to share – even if it’s SEVERAL YEARS AWAY – I’ll take ‘em.

What I really want to know, though, is how this kid still looks so good with so little sleep?!

WAKE UP, it's time for school!

12 thoughts on “No Sleep Til… Well, EVER, Apparently.

  1. As I sit here at my desk yawning and drinking coffee, you just made my morning. 🙂 Apparently our children must be related because they have inherited the same sleep disorder. Oh and I would like to add how much it sucks when my friends brag about how their children are perfect sleepers oh and to top things off my Mother cannot seem to remember her and my Dad having any issues getting my sister and I to sleep through the night. Well I have to confess, I am a pretty darn good Mommy and I do a lot of things right. But On the sleep thing……well I apparently I slept through that lesson in my childbirth education classes 🙂

    1. Girl, I WAS one of those parents who bragged about my good sleeper. My almost 4yo slept through the night (I’m talking 12 – 14 hours) at 10 weeks old and never looked back. Car to crib transfer? CAKE. Easiest sleeper ever. I thought it was me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHA Oh former smug Stephanie. So smug. So stupid.

  2. My step-son was a horrible sleeper and it really didn’t ever get better until we got a sleep study and discovered that he had sleep apnea. Now that he has a CPAP that will not allow his airway to close while he is sleeping, he sleeps through the night now. Blessed relief!

  3. My friend daughter is almost 3 and she was like that till recently, so yes it will get better. They either took her to their bed every night sometime in the middle of the night or someone ended up with her. They ended up getting her a full size bed before she was 2 just so they could at least sleep in her bed. She now goes to bed quickly after a little cuddling and sleeps by herself the rest of the night. Give it time you will get there. No teenage sleeps with their parent.

  4. I don’t have any good advice (sorry) but this post is hilarious. My son sleeps fine, but we have a second on the way and I am thinking I made need some tips of my own down the line.

  5. Hahahhaahahahhahahaahha…this is hysterical. Probably less so for you, however 🙂 And I SO feel your pain. This was Nate!!! Seriously. And the “lay with me” thing is how Josh ended up sleeping on a futon mattress. Nate used to beg for me to lay with him, and I didn’t want to cram myself in a toddler bed, so I said just forget about even trying, brought in the futon mattress and life ticked on. I know you’re selling your house (!!!) so that’s not an option there, but yep…I feel your pain!!

  6. Oh, I have an 18 month old that will go down to sleep and sleep fine but loves to get up in the middle of the night and will only come to you know who…Mommy!!! Ugh. It is so bad that I actually told the daycare teacher that if I had him first he would have been my only child!!! I love him and he is adorable I just wish that he would sleep through the night already!!!! I have tried everything and still have a 3a.m. wake up almost every morning. So I am open to suggestions too. I will warn you we have tried everything!!!

  7. I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong at all! And if it makes you feel better, a friend of mine got her 2 year old a doggie bed to sleep in…and she LOVED it! 😉

  8. I LOVE that pic of Audrey and Olivia. SO CUTE!

    And yeah – I know that feeling of being “Mommy” being called out in the middle of the night…sucks BIGTIME!!!

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