Magical Monday: I Can’t Believe I’m Confessing This….


I’m writing this post directly on the heels of a very difficult night with my baby…that also came with a difficult realization.

The past two weeks my 19 month old baby Kai has been going through a difficult time. Probably not surprising, but I’ve been going through my own difficult time the past two weeks as well. Which difficult time came first I can’t really tell, but I have a feeling we were in partnership with this.

Most of the difficulties for Kai are stemming around bedtime. His Papa has been putting him to bed at night for almost his whole little life, but now he will only accept me nursing him to bed. After IMMENSELY enjoying the freedom of not having to put yet another little person to bed, this is a tough one for me. Even tougher is the fact that after sleeping for months on my own and Kai happily sleeping on his own or with his Papa, he will now cry himself crazy if I’m not there to nurse him back to sleep every time he wakes up. Losing the freedom of nights to myself is hard to swallow, but I’m proud to say I’ve been handling it gracefully. I’ve been trusting this is just a passing phase and once he gets his needs met he won’t have them anymore. For the most part, we’ve been successfully navigating the difficult night-time changes…until last night (which was really just a mere 45 minutes ago at the time of this writing, so this is still raw).

Last night he woke up in his own bed and cried until I brought him over to my bed and nursed him back to sleep. Then he woke up again, and again, and again and again. Each time he woke up he wanted to be nursed back to sleep. Let me just say this: I’ve come to HATE night-nursing. Which is why I moved to my own bed in my own room 7 months ago. After 8 years of co-sleeping and night-nursing babies, the anger and martyrdom was too much to bear, so I quit. It ‘s one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself.

Last night after Kai just.wouldn’t.stop.nursing. I got angry. Sooooooo angry. Ugly thoughts went racing through my head as I felt trapped by yet another nursing baby. They spiraled and grew like a tumultuous wave until it felt a little out of control (note, I was still nursing through all this, the anger was mostly in my head). And then one particularly ugly thought stopped me in my tracks.

(Taking a deep breath, this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever confessed…even to myself.)

That ugly thought was this: “Why did I even have you in the first place? I didn’t want to do the whole baby thing again! I agreed to do it for a daughter! Now I have just another boy who’s sucking the life out of me!”

Now let’s agree this is an ugly thought of a sleep-deprived Mama, who’d been having a difficult time the past couple of weeks. I’m sure we can also agree that we are all sometimes prone to irrational thoughts in the middle of the night.

But I also have to admit that there is some truth to it or I wouldn’t have thought it in the first place.

You see, when I got pregnant with Kai (who is still asleep and nursing as I type) I was fully expecting a daughter. After having experienced prebirth communication with my older boys, I put all my faith into the prebirth communication I had been experiencing with my daughter.   When Kai showed up instead of my daughter it was initially very difficult.  But it was still easy to fall in love with this wonderful little baby. He brought such JOY into all our lives and seeing his big brothers with him will always, always be one of my fondest memories.

At one point, when Kai was a few months old ~ and simply a perfect ANGEL ~ my mother-in-law put it perfectly when she said “I know you were expecting a girl, but once you have Kai how could you want anything else?” (Kai, who just woke up and gave me a kiss. *sigh*)  And she was right. Kai was such a GREAT baby, there were no regrets…or so I thought.

Last night as I was feeling SO ANGRY with him, I realized that I hold Kai to a very high standard, unconsciously putting pressure on him to be an angel…to make up for the fact he’s not a girl. And as long as he’s an angel it’s okay that we had a third baby. If he’s being a pain in the ass, I resent having to do the whole baby thing over again “just” for another boy.

It’s ugly. It’s so, so ugly. I can’t believe I’m actually writing this on my “Magical Monday” post. But you know what, it IS magical. Because now I know that I still have these subconscious thoughts about my 19 month old baby I can heal them. And heal them, I’m already doing. I’m healing them by first admitting them to myself and writing them here (he just kissed me again!). And I’m also planning on having a healing ceremony around them later today ~ I’m not sure what that will look like but I see myself writing those ugly thoughts down and then burning them. I’ll also probably write a list of the blessings our wonderful little boy, Kai, has brought to our lives.

Because when it comes down to it, I may regret the thoughts I had, I may even regret sharing them in an open forum, but I truly will never, EVER regret the fact that Kai came to me. He’s already proven to be one of my greatest teachers.

I love you, Kai.

Thank you.

The blessing of Kai
The blessing of Kai

33 thoughts on “Magical Monday: I Can’t Believe I’m Confessing This….

  1. Kate, you are very brave in this post, and I know many people have had thoughts along the lines of what you describe. I have a gentle question for you, though, as another mother of boys. What did you imagine would be different about having a daughter than having a son? I understand some of the obvious things — clothes, for one! But I mean in terms of your connection to the child and what s/he brings to your life.

    I have spent many years pondering this question, as I have found other women to be quite obnoxious to us Moms o’ Boys, making it clear they believe we have missed out on something, or that somehow our lives are not complete without a daughter. I’ve never taken the opportunity to ask any of these women what exactly they mean by all of that, but I think I can trust you to give me an honest answer, and I really am interested to know your thoughts, when & if you are ready to respond.

    I have found that releasing ooky thoughts (they are not BAD, just ooky) such as you are doing now can be INCREDIBLY freeing and exciting. I’ll bet you’re already soaring.

    1. Thank you for your thoughtful response, Dear Sister, and I have an answer for you but I doubt other women would have the same answer. Truth is I never longed for a daughter, I was very happy with my two boys ~ and I so wanted my second son since he was who I was expecting through our prebirth communication. So I never wanted a daughter until she (Lilah) started coming to me in dreams. The dreams I had of her were so very vivid ~ she told me her name, her favorite colors, the things she’d like, how she’d fit into our family, and what she looked like. I had more dreams of her than I did of my sons combined. And the thing is….SEVEN of my friends had dreams of her too! And she always looked the same to her as she did to me. So I felt I already had a relationship with this soul before she was even conceived ~ she had been coming to me for three years! I didn’t want a daughter, I wanted Lilah ~ the little girl I got to know in my dreams. That’s why it’s been so difficult. After piecing together the puzzle between my intuition, my husband’s intuition and being validated by some intuitives we know why she didn’t come and sent Kai instead ~ and it’s a very beautiful story that I know I have to write about sometime. Kai was truly a gift to us from her. But that’s why it’s been so difficult to let go ~ I had “known” her for over three years. Thank you for asking. It feels good to write that out…♥

  2. Thank you for this post – and for your honesty. Sleep deprivation is a crazy thing – I remember feeling like I was going out of my mind at times when my son was not sleeping through the night – and just wishing he would go away (yikes) which was so hard to admit. And then I’d be crying just looking at his sweet face thinking – how could I ever have wanted him to go away?? (Repeat cycle 500 times). It’s amazing what some sleep and negative energy release can do for you. I hope the rest of your day was magical!

  3. I love your authenticity, Kate! Thank you for sharing your story.
    Naming these things often help us release them. I have learned that this year myself. When I pretend not to feel something because it feels too difficult, or inappropriate or wrong — I just keep the energy of it swirling around inside me. When I say it out loud and admit it to myself — it seems to disappear. I am free of it. I am able to let it go. I have a feeling you’ll feel that way about this too.
    I have to admit — I’ve often said, the only reason I never had another child was because I knew I couldn’t NOT nurse and parent them in an attached way but I just couldn’t give up myself to do that anymore. I totally hear you and totally empathize with how you are feeling.
    You and Kai (who looks just like you) are both magical — and I feel blessed to call you friend.
    Love you!

  4. I love you Kate!!!
    this post does not surprise me, in a good way:)
    you are always so true to yourself, your families and friends!!
    I totally agree with when his needs are met he will do much better!! Kai is so lucky to have you as a mAMA!!
    we as humans are always growing and changing and learning, I always admire how you go through changes of your family and of yourself, it might be a smooth ride for you or a bumpy one but either way you always handle it with honesty and Grace and humor, f****** humor:)

  5. Raw and honest. Kate you are brave and your love is far deeper than a few ugly thoughts. Maybe Kai had to bring you to this point for you to truly recognize what you’ve been holding onto so you could let it go. Magical Monday after all. 🙂

  6. Oh dear Kate could I love you anymore, your raw open honesty IS magical. It is brave and I am sure healing for everyone reading this, it never does any of us any favors to hide away from our thoughts and what a great way to move forward in our world, creating the space for mamas (everyone) to feel safe to speak and share their deepest, darkest fears; you are creating this <3.
    Gorgeous picture, Kai is just the cutest and I love that he was kissing you as your wrote.
    Night nursing and toddler nursing will remain with me as some of the most emotionally challenging times of my life (and also some of the most magically beautiful).

    1. Oh more tears from me! (I’m going to be dehydrated by the end of the day!) Yes, isn’t it magical how Kai kept kissing me in key places in this post? So tuned in, that one. Love you, Carrie. ♥

  7. Oh, Kate, i am just sending you so much love right now. I too, remember moments of sheer exhaustion and sleep deprivation coupled with crazy post-baby hormones and emotions that I said things i truly did not mean. I am positive every mother goes through those less than favorable moments in her life, and if she admits otherwise, she’s lying! I’ve seen you in action with all three of your boys, and I know it to be true that you are the best mother they could ever have hoped for. And your honesty and truthfulness makes you that much more of a beautiful person. There is nothing a little extra moments of sleep can cure, as well as bring clarity to the situ, no matter how awful it seems. Love you, sweets!

  8. Great post! We all have those “horrible” (human) thoughts that turn out to be the product of sleep deprivation and other frustrations. It is obvious how much you love Kai! I find myself blaming my kids, in a particularly bad moment, for changing my life forever and getting in the way of things I set out to do and did not accomplish. I feel awful for a while, and then I’m able to reconcile the bad feelings for what they are: just feelings, not the actual facts. At the same time, I no longer martyr myself by swinging all the way back to the opposite side of the pendulum, trying to be the perfect, self-sacrificing mother by putting my kids above everything else, including myself. That little nugget of truth to the negative things we say can be a motivator to make things better: so my life did change forever, and that’s ok, so where do I go from here? Thanks for sharing this important story.

    1. Wow, Melanie, what powerful words. I especially love what you said about feelings opposed to facts. Actually I especially love the whole thing! Thank you! ♥

  9. This is just what I needed to read after getting so angry over the weekend with my toddler, who has not been sleeping well recently. It feels so cathartic to acknowledge those ugly feelings, and then let them go. Thank you!

  10. This is so honest and HUMAN! I think that sometimes we get so caught up in how we “should” feel, that we suppress our true feelings – even fleeting ones.

    1. Yes, Ann, EXACTLY. This was a fleeting ugly thought ~ but one that had such weight attached to it that I knew it was telling me something. Thank you for your support. ♥

  11. Thank you, thank you, thank you…. I love this and love you. And yes, we have all been to those places, even sometimes not in the deprivation of sleep, but the tantrum that never ends or the endless whining, we go there and think we are awful for having gone there. I so appreciate your honesty ❤

    1. Right?! Yes, those tantrums that never end! Thank you for pointing out this can happen even when we have enough sleep. Love you, Dear Sister. ♥

  12. It’s so hard when your child is “sucking the life out of you” and they do sometimes. I remember when K was small and he would not stop crying no matter what I did! One night I felt such a rage at him and I was so tired! I shut his door (not so gently mind you) and stormed out on to the deck muttering bad things and yelling at the door! It was at that point that I ALMOST understood how people could lose control and end up hurting their child. I chose to leave the room and actually just outside the house too because I could NEVER hurt my child. We do tend to forget though that it’s not on purpose, they’re not doing it to upset us. I’m glad that you and I both recognized the problem and made good choices on how to fix it. The healing ceremony sounds like a great idea. I chose to sit in the cool air for a bit and think about all the good things K brought to my life and by the time I got back into the house, he had cried himself to sleep. There was the peaceful baby I had just reminded myself that I had. Kai is adorable and I know you are grateful for him. Thanks for sharing, I know that was hard. Keep up the good work!

    1. Thank you for sharing your story, Denise. I admit I was afraid to read the comments on this post, sure that I’d conjured up some haters. I’m overwhelmed with the love and support and encouragement. Thank you. ♥

  13. Thank you for being REAL, open and honest. I believe we have ALL been there at some point or another. It IS hard. And, we also find ourselves being somewhat resentful of our spouse, husband, partner, etc. at times as they will never experience what you have, physically they can not, nor emotionally. And, they probably wouldn’t be able to understand it either (and/or ever). I’m so sorry you are having such a hard time, but you are human and doing all that you can to push through this. And you are. I truly, truly believe that saying as to why women are the ones who give birth and are mothers… if it were up to the men, they couldn’t do it – and the human race would be extinct by now. Push on strong Mamma, you are doing GREAT. Deep breaths and yes, it will pass and I promise you, it WILL get better! Thank you for sharing with us!!!

    1. Thank you, India. Another comment that made me cry. YES, we ARE the strong ones aren’t we, Dear Sister. ♥

  14. Being a mom is a wonderful gift. WIth that said, the expectation that we have to love every aspect at every moment is ridiculous! I love, and appreciate, your honesty!

  15. I love this honest, raw post! I think we all have some not so great thoughts and it is normal even though we have to pretend all the time. Sometimes I thought “why did I breast feed! This fucking blows and my husband is sleeping away!” I am hoping Kai realizes this phase needs to leave and soon. You are such an amazing mom Kate and never forget that!

    1. lol, Katie! and YES, I do hope Kai understand that this phase needs to end soon! Thank you, Love. ♥

  16. You are so powerful. I love the way you embrace everything as an opportunity to heal and be better. This is an amazing, raw confession, yet you take it like a champ. Love you!

    1. Kriste, this made me cry. Thank you. ♥ It IS so important to remind myself I’m powerful ~ I needed to hear that.

  17. He is such a beautiful boy – I love that picture! Please don’t be too hard on yourself – while you say that you can’t blame the late night, sleep deprivation combined with desperation really does make us think awful and irrational things. If you just keep coming back to the gift that your little Kai is, it will work itself out in the end. Many hugs to you and your little man!

    1. Thank you for such a lovely comment, Vivian. Yes, I believe it will work itself out for the best. ♥

  18. I love your rawness in this post Kate. I was sitting here thinking about what I could offer for advice but honestly, it seems like you’ve got it covered. Admitting the thoughts then healing the thoughts and moving forward – sounds like a wonderful plan. I think when we get attached to one particular outcome (in this case having a girl) and then we are disappointed, the resentment can stay with us for a long time. I also think that there are probably more moms than you might think who wished for a girl or boy and ended up with a gender they didn’t really want. No one really admits that though. My point is that you being open about this and sharing your process will absolutely help other people who have felt the same emotions as you. Love you to Kate!

    1. Thank you, Dear Sister, for your words! That’s exactly why I decided to write this in a post ~ because I KNOW if I have felt this then others have to but no one admits it. It’s so important to share the darkness so it can turn into LIGHT….even and especially when it’s scary. ♥

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