It’s not you, it’s me.

Ever since last week, when we learned the date of our first IVF cycle, I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster.  Wait, let’s be serious.  This entire process leading up to the learning of the date of our first IVF cycle has been an emotional rollercoaster.

I was at work when I got the call to finalize our tests and schedule the first monitoring appointment of our IVF cycle.  After the call, I was practically skipping around work, humming along to the radio, and smiling to myself.  This was really good news, and I was on cloud nine.

At some point during the workday, I found myself grumpy, easily aggravated, and short and snippy with my coworkers.  Sorry, guys.

Hello, crappy mood, where did you come from?  The answer didn’t occur to me until later that night, after I had been home for a while, feeling a weird mixture of emotions ranging from elation (there may have been some high-fiving going on as my husband and I discussed the news) to just wanting to zone out in front of the computer and not speak to anyone.

It hit me then—I was stressed.  And, a little scared.  Ecstatic, of course, but scared.  IVF is no longer in the hypothetical.  We are doing this.  I admit to a little fear of the injections—who really wants to stab themselves with a needle a couple of times a day—but it’s the sobering reality of maybe a pregnancy and a baby that is starting to sink in.  Yes, we are ready, as ready as anyone ever is.  But, now that I can allow myself to really think about all of these things, I’m left feeling blissful-terrified-anxious-calm-petrified-euphoric.

So forgive me if you find me with a smile on my face one minute, and, the next, mentally checked-out and chewing my fingernails.  It’s not you, coworkers, friends, family, and strangers; it’s me.

Think I’m on an emotional rollercoaster now?  Just wait until I start the hormones.

7 thoughts on “It’s not you, it’s me.

  1. I could only imagine how stressful this is for you and never feel sad or guilty about being snippy. We are not robots, we have emotions and things going on in our lives. 🙂

  2. 🙂 Hugs to you as you enter this emotional journey. I had once blogged my in/fertility journey but decided to delete the blog because it had all sorts of personal info on it – but it helped me to maintain some level of sense of humor about it all…

  3. I completely understand the emotional rollercoaster. We went through fertility (7 IUIs and 1 IVF) over the course of a year and a half. My first appointment to discuss starting fertility left me completely overwhelmed and in tears. I found this occurred at every step along the way as well. It was strange – this was something we wanted and yet I had such overwhelming emotions at every turn. It’s such a different mindset to say “hey, let’s start trying to have a kid and see what happens” to “let’s make a decided effort that costs hundreds or thousands of dollars in the hopes of having a kid”. Thankfully for us, we now have a happy, healthy 7 week old baby boy. Even with all the ups and downs and the shots, etc., it’s worth it. Good luck to you!

  4. I hope all of your baby dreams come true! I lost a baby at 8 weeks before having my daughter at 34 1/2, and it’s an emotional roller coaster the whole time! Just be true to yourself and try to be honest with your hubby- it’s hard for him too.

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