What if?

I spent the better part of seventy-two hours over this past weekend wondering if I was pregnant.

I know.  I know.  The same girl who, for months, has been blogging about her journey to IVF; for whom a natural pregnancy would be a near-miracle.  I know.

But, almost two weeks ago, I had blood work done to see where I was in my current cycle so we can put a plan together for our first IVF cycle.  The blood work confirmed I had ovulated, and that I would either get my period in two weeks or less or, conversely, I would be pregnant.

Well, we knew which one to look forward to.  After over a year of wishing for my period NOT to come so that I would be pregnant, these two weeks I fervently wished for my period to hurryupandgetherealready so that we could finish our testing and begin our IVF cycle sooner rather than later.

But a week passed, and no period. And then, going into this past weekend, almost two full weeks and no period.  I was positive it would have arrived that first week, given the length of my last cycle.  Of course, throughout this past year, I’ve learned to expect the unexpected.  Why would this cycle be like the last when, really, no two have ever been alike for me?  But, in that same vein, if I’m to expect the unexpected, then what if I could be pregnant?

No really, what if?

What if one, single, determined and stubborn sperm found its way?

And what if the timing happened to be right, just this once?

What if, on what would be the cycle before our first IVF cycle, I got pregnant?  Great story, right?

What if we really could do this ourselves?

What if we had a holiday baby? Or a New Year’s baby?

What if I let my imagination get the best of me?

Because then, of course, I got my period.  And all my “what ifs”turn into “yeah, rights” and I’m relieved, actually.  Now we can go ahead with the plan I’ve had in my head anyways for months, and everything seems right on track.

This time, a period does not mean “not pregnant.”  It means we are actually one step closer to becoming pregnant through IVF, if the cycle works for us, if all else goes as planned.

What if?

9 thoughts on “What if?

  1. I tried to get pregnant from the time I was 24 until I was 30. My husband and I decided that if I wasn’t pregnant by the time I was thirty we would have some tests. I found out I was pregnant a week after my 30th birthday. No tests..which at the time wouldn’t have been much help anyway! Six years worth of waiting with baited breath every month…it is a long time. The good news is that this was 31 years ago, and the new technological advances are amazing. Keep the faith, and hold on to your positive attitude! I’m sure everyone who reads this blog will be sending positive thoughts your way!

    1. Susan, your perseverance amazes me–I think I would go crazy after 6 years of trying with no luck! We’re only a year and a half in… And you’re right, that’s the one thing I keep saying–thank goodness we live in a time where we have options if we can’t get pregnant on our own. Thanks for the encouragement!!

  2. I second what Vivian said, ttc IS a big mind f*ck. Thinking of you, Dear Sister! I am sending so much energy that everything turns out just BEAUTIFULLY!

  3. The TTC game is a total mindf*ck. It totally stinks and Mother Nature loves to throw you for a loop every.single.time. Are you currently on your “quiet cycle” for IVF (no meds, no BCPs to regulate cycle, etc), or are you taking some fertility medications this month? I always found that the meds messed up my cycles big time – I was a 28 day like clockwork person prior to going into a fertility protocol. The first month of “quiet” (using BCPs to regulate my cycle, then follicle stimulating meds and progesterone) was almost double the length of my normal cycle. Talk about screwing with your head! Progesterone also lengthened the time between periods for me.

    Good luck to you. It’s a long, exhausting process but it will be worth it in the end. Many hugs!

    1. Thanks, Vivian! Actually, today I start BCP to regulate my cycle (I’m crazy irregular) to plan for the IVF cycle next month. Ironic, isn’t it, that they put you on BCP while trying to get pregnant? Who knew. Next month I start the injections, but we haven’t gotten our protocol yet. Glad to hear you had success in the end. And thanks for reading!

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