I Want My Mommy

I’ve been sick for the last week, the kind of sick that makes you stay in bed even though you know you have tons of things to do. I confess I crawled out to the computer a few times to send incoherent emails to work. But mostly, all I do is sleep, cough or lie in bed feeling crummy.

Luckily, I have had The Husband around (due to a current bout of his periodic employment retention impairment) and he has been wonderful, fetching medicine and liquids, driving me to the doctor. He even made matzoh ball soup!

But when I get sick like this, the only person I want is my mother. Let me start off by saying that my mother and I fought with each other my entire life, but when I would get sick, she was the BEST, most attentive and nurturing mother you could imagine. I’m the oldest of three, so being home from school meant it was just my mother and me with no distracting younger sibs for a few hours. She would let me lie in her big bed, on the white chenille bedspread that left little dents all over my skin when I fell asleep on it, and read Little Golden Books to me. “What do daddies do all day? Daddies work while children play.” And Mommies take care of you when you are sick.

 chenille bedspread

My mother was the youngest of 8 children. When she was 7 years old, she got pneumonia and went to the hospital. So did her mother, but only one of them came home. My grandmother died at the age of 48 (long before she ever got to be my grandmother, of course). According to my mother, no one ever spoke about her mother’s death or comforted her. Her father and older siblings raised her. However, as she would remind me nearly every day, there is no substitute for your mother. She told me stories about how affected she was by this loss. For example, on Mother’s Day, she said, people wore a carnation in honor of their mothers, and if your mother was alive, you wore a red one, but if she had died, you wore a white one. This was devastating to my mother – to be wearing the lone white carnation in a schoolyard of red carnationed children.

When it came time to be a mother herself, she felt really unprepared and inadequate. I was not an easy baby and when I would cry for hours, my mother told me she would cry too, asking, “What do you WANT from me?” That set the theme for our relationship, pretty much.

My mother loved me, in her way. She was proud of me, but she was not interested in me…unless I was sick! Then I was fascinating. We were best friends. We played endless card games while enjoying the tea and toast that was the cure-all menu for every illness. She sang 1940s songs to me and told me plots of Bette Davis movies as though they were fairy tales. We talked and we laughed. She tickled my back for hours. Once, I threw up all over the breakfast dishes in the kitchen sink. I watched as my mother cleaned up everything without complaint. I thought that was the most selfless, loving, maternal thing I had ever seen and I remember thinking I would never be able to achieve such lofty heights of mothering when I had kids. These are all such strong positive memories for me (not the throwing up part).

skew-lines

But the rest of the time, we were just not on the same wavelength. Once I learned about skew lines in geometry, I knew that that described my relationship with my mother: 2 lines on 2 different planes that will never intersect. My younger brother and sister enjoyed a more harmonious connection with her, though. Recently, I read something about Harry Harlow’s famous experiments with baby rhesus monkeys that were raised with wire mothers instead of real monkey mothers. Sadly, they soon displayed severe symptoms of mental illness because they did not have any motherly nurturing and warmth, thus proving how essential it is to all of us. Some of the wire mothers were covered in cloth, while others were not, but those had bottles of milk attached to them. The baby monkeys chose the cloth mothers every time. They would stretch out to get nutrition from the wire mother with the bottle, but clung to the cloth mother.

monkey2

But what became of the baby monkeys later in life? It turns out that when they had their own babies, the “motherless mothers” were negligent or even abusive to their firstborn offspring. These monkeys were unable to bond with their infants because they themselves had been deprived of a maternal connection. But wait – somehow, the monkeys’ maternal behaviors improved with subsequent births. Their difficulties seemed to lie only with caring for that first baby.

Well, THAT certainly explains a lot! In the movie, “Mother,” with Debbie Reynolds and Albert Brooks, there is a moment when Albert suddenly understands why Debbie was always so much more loving to his brother, Dr. Fleischman from the show “Northern Exposure,” and then he runs around the house gleefully singing, “I know why she hates me! I know why she hates me!” When I read about the resulting deficient parenting skills of the wire-raised mothers, I had my Albert-Debbie moment! Realizing that it was more about my mother’s own lack of maternal programming rather than my inherent despicability, a big bright light came on for me. You’re never too old to try to make some sense out of the many ways in which your mother affected you, and that can be surprisingly uplifting.

Like my commadres on this website, once again I am reminded of the power we hold as mothers. Our words really matter, of course, and vacations and toys and all that create nice memories. But that feeling I got when I knew my mother was going to spend the whole day with me because she truly wanted to, taking care of me and caring ABOUT me, was the best feeling ever. Yes, I’m all grown up, but this week, while I’m sick, I still want my mommy.

Mommy & me

[Warning: it’s important to remember that it was a different era back then, and my mother did not work. I especially do NOT want to make any working moms feel worse about that agonizing internal conflict between work responsibilities and the lurking possibility of a sick kid that is always percolating in the back of your minds. ]

10 thoughts on “I Want My Mommy

  1. Hey Randi, I kept missing your posts and just found them all. I love them. You write well and share great insights. Mothers are a funny sort! So glad you are blogging with us.

    1. Thank you, Bev. I am loving CTWORKINGMOMS so much and I have you to thank for making the connection with Michelle on my behalf. ❤ ❤

  2. I was JUST telling my mom yesterday that we all want our Mommies when we’re sick. Such a heart-breakingly beautiful post, Randi (and I couldn’t even LOOK at that monkey picture, I was afraid I’d cry!). You are so wonderful ~ thank you for sharing. and FEEL BETTER SOON!

    1. Thank you, Kate. As I said to Jen above, the monkey thing is very sad indeed, but what was learned from the experiments was important to childhood development science. Hard to balance those two issues morally, though.

      1. I agree with this. I am vehemently against animal testing when we’re talking about crap like hairspray or other vanity products. In this case, though, as tragic as it is, it provides really good insights into child bonding, things that are important for us to know and prove but we certainly couldn’t use human babies for.

  3. Randi-great post. I, too, want my mommy when I’m sick! My brother is nine years older than me so he got the freaked out young 20-year-old parents and I got the more experienced, laid back 30’s parents. It’s like we had totally different sets of folks.

  4. This is great, Randi. I remember reading about those monkey experiments in school and being so, so sad. It still makes me teary to look at that picture you included. I never heard the follow up, though, so that’s interesting. Thanks for the warning at the end, too, because we’re great at feeling guilty about everything!

    1. Sorry about the skeevy monkey picture. It is very sad but when I read more about the researcher, I was impressed to see he was a scientist trying to prove that LOVE is more essential to us than nourishment. He also thought that comforting love could be provided by either parent! Tell your spouses THAT, friends. Harry Harlow was also a little out there in the intensity of his experiments, giving rise to the animal liberation movement. But what he learned and shared was really interesting and revolutionary at the time.

      1. No worries, Randi, I’m glad you posted it because it illustrates the scientist’s point perfectly. 🙂

Share Some Comment Love

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s