Moving People With Your Words

I follow a lot of bloggers on Twitter who attended the Type-A Parent Conference last week. One of the attendees sent out this Tweet on Sunday:

Ellen Gerstein (@elleinthecity): I wish all new bloggers could hear this keynote. Blogging isn’t about swag or popularity, it’s about moving people w/your words. #typeacon

I totally agree with that sentiment. Blogging, for me, is about moving people with my words. It’s about making connections and helping readers relate to something I have gone through.

So, here it goes.  I had a miscarriage two weeks ago.

It’s my second one. I had one before Max was born that sent me into a tailspin and I truly believe the experience changed who I am as a person (and not for the better).  Having a miscarriage when you already have children is a whole different experience than having one before though. I’m talking about the “well, at least you know you can have children” school of thought. I don’t really take comfort in that fact even though it’s true. This whole experience just makes me wonder if I’m just not meant to have three kids.

As soon as the spotting began, I knew. It was exactly the same time as the last miscarriage…6 weeks. I felt this weird sense of anger, sadness…and relief. As I’ve indicated before, I am afraid to have another child  so even though I was elated when I saw the two pink lines on the pregnancy test, I was also terrified. I didn’t know how I was going to handle three children, never mind if this baby ended up with special needs as well. So yes, even though we were trying to have another baby, a little part of me felt relief I guess, but that was fleeting.

After a few blood tests (and what felt like a million trips to the doctor and lots of time away from my office), my numbers looked good so I started to feel optimistic…and nauseous. I took that as a good sign since that didn’t happen the last time I miscarried. I spotted one additional time, then nothing so my doctor just decided to wait until my already scheduled 8 week appointment. During the few weeks between the blood test and my appointment though, I had this nagging feeling. What if I didn’t deserve another child? As any reader of this blog knows, I have trouble handling the two children I do have. Was bringing another one into the world really the right choice? We really wanted (want) to have a third child, but should logic overrule what the heart wants in this instance? Was this the universe’s way of telling me not to have another child?

Since my doctor’s appointment was scheduled for day 3 of my husband’s new job, I had to go alone. I was totally excited, happy, and anxious for the ultrasound. Even with the issues I’d been having, miscarriage didn’t even cross my mind. I was too busy thinking about how to tell my family I was expecting again. But about 2 seconds into it, I knew. No flickering heart. “This is not the way I like to meet new little ones” said the doctor.  I held it together for a few minutes, and then lost it. Full on sobbing…back into the doctor’s office, out through the lobby, then into the car. Full. On. Sobbing. I didn’t want t tell my husband over the phone, but what else what I supposed to do?

Again, my thoughts went back to wondering if this was a sign telling me I should not have another child. After over a week of waiting and sadness and keeping it together for my boys, but collapsing into bed in tears immediately after they were asleep I still hadn’t miscarried naturally. So I went in for a D&C and spent the rest of the day in bed watching three movies and reading. I gave myself that much time to mourn and mope and be sad then promised myself I would snap out of it for the sake of my family.

I still don’t know what I’ll do now. I’m really afraid to get pregnant again. I don’t know that I can go through this again, and I don’t know that having another baby is the right choice for our family. I’m afraid to have another child with more intense needs than a typical child.  I’m worried that the age difference between my boys and a new baby will be too large and they won’t be close or get along. I’m starting to wonder if I should just work on becoming a better parent to the two children I already have. Stay tuned.

11 thoughts on “Moving People With Your Words

  1. Miscarriage is not easy. I got pregnant nine months after mine and never bonded with my daughter in utero because I was convinced I’d lose her, too. Honestly, I work at an OB office and I cry with every miscarriage, every IUFD. But one woman stands out. She lost her baby at 32 weeks gestation. Tests showed numerous chromosomal defects, he would have definitely had Downs Syndrome, among other possible disorders. She said “I would rather have a slow baby than no baby.” The entire office cried that day.

    Someday, my husband and I plan to adopt a child… possibly a deaf child, possbily a child with mental disabilities, possibly a child with physical disabilities, we don’t know. Just a child. We plan to adopt because I don’t have the mental capacity to endure another pregnancy, another possible miscarriage, another nine months of “what if”. Thank you for being someone I can relate to, and for being brave enough to do so in a public forum.

  2. Kris-Ann, take one arm and cross it around you. Now take the other arm and cross to the other side. Squeeze… Really, really hard. I think I can say from all the ladies here, we love you and we’re so very sorry. I’M so very sorry for your loss.
    You’re words moved me. YOU move me every time I read your blogs. The way you write about your family, personal feelings, and your advocacy for special needs.
    I hope the kind words from the ladies above me help you lift you’d head a little higher. You deserve it.

  3. So sorry to hear about your loss. Take all the time you need to grieve and grieve whoever you need to. Once you have gone through that process, you will be able to make a better decision on what is right for your family. Just be the best mother you can to those loving boys.

  4. So sorry Kris. Prayers are being sent your way. You are a strong woman and a great mom. Give yourself time to heal emotionally (and physically) and decide later if a third child is the right decision. Sending positive energy your way.

  5. Kris-Ann, Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for your loss. You are a great mother to your two boys and if you decide to have a third baby you will be a great mother to that baby as well. Sending you love and support.

  6. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story, pain and truth. I believe that in the same way each pregnancy is different, each miscarriage is different. It’s too soon to make any final decisions about whether or not to try again or that something bigger is trying to send you a message. Those things will work themselves out in time. Right now you need to heal. You need to grieve your loss and not set an exceptable amount of time for that to happen. Do focus on your family and let them be there for you. In time, when you are ready, you will know if trying for a third child is the right decision. Making decisions out of fear is the worst injustice we do to ourselves. As far as years in between children, I am 42 and had my third child 8 months ago. He was a big surprise as my first two are 13 and 9. I can tell you they unconditional love their little brother and it’s all I can do to get any time with him. They are a tremendous help and recognize that there are times I need a break. I have made it clear that Eric is my child and responsibility to raise, but it has been a relief to see how they embrace him. I know what will happen the older they get as I have the same age gap with my own brother and sister. I have wondered why God would bring Eric into my life so late. What I know is that it’s created a special bond in our family that I never expected. My older children are seeing how they were raised at his age which has opened great conversations at the dinner table.
    I pray for peace, healing and in time understanding for your loss. Focus on what you have and grieve when you need to grieve. As cliche as it sounds, time is the greatest healer, along with the love and support of family and friends.

  7. Oh Kris-Ann…I am SO so sorry. There is nothing I can say other than that. 😦 So so sorry you are going through this.

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